Nothing by Mouth

Home » Stories 23 November 2009 1,430 views No Comment

“Daylight in the swamp,” shouts the self-elected General in charge of the Morning Rise. “I got some pannycakes going, and they look good!”

“How can you tell? It’s impossible to see through the smoke,” I wheeze, following the lighted haze from the kitchen like a firefighter breaking into daylight. “For God’s sake, put some clothes on Chew,” protests one of the morning flock, “I’m loosing my appetite.”

“Give me a minute, I’m trying a new recipe. Who would have thought WD40 could slow the cooking time this much,” pronounces Chef Chew. “Maybe if I just put a little more wood in the firebox…” Clank, rumble, more smoke.

Now, everyone appreciates a good morning breakfast on opening day, but the Surgeon General has warnings about this kind of activity. Typically, most of the members of the Wasted Ammo Think Tank and Hunting Camp take a pass on the breakfast thing and go about pleasantly preparing for the morning hunt after rising. Some of the very shrewd have actually been known to prepare the evening before, although this is generally frowned upon as it can prove to be dangerous.

For example, last season the whole camp prepared for their hunt the night before opening day. Everybody was dressed and ready to go by 4:30 AM. This is where we made a mistake. Having nothing to do but consider eating Chef Chew’s pancakes, most of the members took large portions by mouth – not the generally recommended serving method. By the time the flour, egg, milk and unidentifiable ingredients settled into the stomach, unpredictable side effects appeared. Lines at the bathroom door caused a near panic state. Others simply passed out and missed the first twelve hours of opening day. Those who could walk spent most of the morning chasing Chef Chew around camp and threatening very specific acts of hostility towards him and his ancestry.

To the accomplished hunter, advanced preparation is unnecessary and may even cause one to think about things like where they are going to hunt on opening morning. This type of needless preparation is best left to chance – you know, like being in the right place at the right time and other such hunting stuff.